She smiled at me. I cant forget that smile. Her sincerity to it. I felt sadness in her eyes, but still she smiled. It broke my heart. I want to burst out in tears, but I cant, Im in the public. After what I've done to her, she still smiled. After thinking and blabbing bad thoughts about her, for no reason at all, she smiled. And even If I added a feeling of loneliness to her, she still smiled. What have I done to receive this kindness from a person?
I suddenly felt that there's a monster--a dragon within me. Something inside of me that wasn't supposed to be there at all. I know, deep down inside, I am a good person, although I fail at some point. I'm innately good. I guess we all are. But circumstances changes people, especially if its something you regard as a "guilty pleasure".
Im a lover of underdogs. I feel for them all the time. They are the people, most often than not, left out, "talk of the town" and just alone. I dont know exactly what they feel, but I am aware that its difficult to become one. So I often befriend these people even I know that the consequences may be severe--a possibility that people will treat you as an underdog as well.
What happened to me now? The guilty pleasure of making people clowns became a habit. Again, this is not Prince Max. I desire somebody to remind me the real me--the good within me..but that provision is not yet available, especially lately, I felt cut off from everyone else. Well thats a different story of course.
As I got home, I nearly lost my breath in crying. The smile never left my thoughts. It reminded me of who I am and who I am not. Now, I have to choose between the two. Its difficult, especially Im getting used to 'who I am not' and honestly, Im enjoying it...even at the expense of other people. But at the end of the day, a rotten heart will pump and circulate blood all over my system.
This is still hanging. Actually, I don't know what to do about this. Im confused and of course, Im preoccupied with other stuffs similar to such problem.
I guess these are some things that you cannot just answer by a mere yes or no. These are things where action is needed and where you need to fully accept any consequences, whether be good or bad.
***
Are you referring to your job? Do not worry, that is normal and yet, it could mean a superhuman sympathy. I feel that when I walk to find stories in the street, except that I happened to really cry at times . Blessed are those who have Christ-like compassion for at least, even if there is little thing to do, they would know there are still people who understand what they feel.
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