Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Day 53
Im currently writing this while crying. So please bear with me. :(
She smiled at me. I cant forget that smile. Her sincerity to it. I felt sadness in her eyes, but still she smiled. It broke my heart. I want to burst out in tears, but I cant, Im in the public. After what I've done to her, she still smiled. After thinking and blabbing bad thoughts about her, for no reason at all, she smiled. And even If I added a feeling of loneliness to her, she still smiled. What have I done to receive this kindness from a person?
I suddenly felt that there's a monster--a dragon within me. Something inside of me that wasn't supposed to be there at all. I know, deep down inside, I am a good person, although I fail at some point. I'm innately good. I guess we all are. But circumstances changes people, especially if its something you regard as a "guilty pleasure".
Im a lover of underdogs. I feel for them all the time. They are the people, most often than not, left out, "talk of the town" and just alone. I dont know exactly what they feel, but I am aware that its difficult to become one. So I often befriend these people even I know that the consequences may be severe--a possibility that people will treat you as an underdog as well.
What happened to me now? The guilty pleasure of making people clowns became a habit. Again, this is not Prince Max. I desire somebody to remind me the real me--the good within me..but that provision is not yet available, especially lately, I felt cut off from everyone else. Well thats a different story of course.
As I got home, I nearly lost my breath in crying. The smile never left my thoughts. It reminded me of who I am and who I am not. Now, I have to choose between the two. Its difficult, especially Im getting used to 'who I am not' and honestly, Im enjoying it...even at the expense of other people. But at the end of the day, a rotten heart will pump and circulate blood all over my system.
This is still hanging. Actually, I don't know what to do about this. Im confused and of course, Im preoccupied with other stuffs similar to such problem.
I guess these are some things that you cannot just answer by a mere yes or no. These are things where action is needed and where you need to fully accept any consequences, whether be good or bad.
She smiled at me. I cant forget that smile. Her sincerity to it. I felt sadness in her eyes, but still she smiled. It broke my heart. I want to burst out in tears, but I cant, Im in the public. After what I've done to her, she still smiled. After thinking and blabbing bad thoughts about her, for no reason at all, she smiled. And even If I added a feeling of loneliness to her, she still smiled. What have I done to receive this kindness from a person?
I suddenly felt that there's a monster--a dragon within me. Something inside of me that wasn't supposed to be there at all. I know, deep down inside, I am a good person, although I fail at some point. I'm innately good. I guess we all are. But circumstances changes people, especially if its something you regard as a "guilty pleasure".
Im a lover of underdogs. I feel for them all the time. They are the people, most often than not, left out, "talk of the town" and just alone. I dont know exactly what they feel, but I am aware that its difficult to become one. So I often befriend these people even I know that the consequences may be severe--a possibility that people will treat you as an underdog as well.
What happened to me now? The guilty pleasure of making people clowns became a habit. Again, this is not Prince Max. I desire somebody to remind me the real me--the good within me..but that provision is not yet available, especially lately, I felt cut off from everyone else. Well thats a different story of course.
As I got home, I nearly lost my breath in crying. The smile never left my thoughts. It reminded me of who I am and who I am not. Now, I have to choose between the two. Its difficult, especially Im getting used to 'who I am not' and honestly, Im enjoying it...even at the expense of other people. But at the end of the day, a rotten heart will pump and circulate blood all over my system.
This is still hanging. Actually, I don't know what to do about this. Im confused and of course, Im preoccupied with other stuffs similar to such problem.
I guess these are some things that you cannot just answer by a mere yes or no. These are things where action is needed and where you need to fully accept any consequences, whether be good or bad.
***
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Nyphadora Tonks
Nymphadora Tonks
She was one of the "supporting" characters in the Harry Potter series, both books and the films. You know her if you are a Harry Potter fan, like me. She is a member of the Order of the Phoenix, meaning she's a brave and good witch who desired to fight against an uprising of dark wizard. Well, she was known as a real eccentric witch (oxymoron?) for she is also a metamorphagus, which means she can change her appearance at will. Of course, she is a friend of Harry Potter.
I have my own version of Tonks, in the form of a new friend and a new big sister. Recently, she's one of the reasons why my work became more fun and less stressful. We speak a language only few can understand. She's also out of this world, especially her ideas. Technically, I could easily relate to her, for I am out of this world as well. I'm always pleased with people who can help me escape reality.
There's really a rarity of such personalities in this world today--scarcity of un-standardized people, whose mind can really go to places, to think of things out of the extraordinary and have fun while doing all these stuffs.
I was inspired by her especially when she told me, "Its always ok to find new friends if you feel rejected". I guess that's something I want to hear from somebody, especially from someone wiser than me.
She's right. Its time for me to look for new friends. And Im happy to start it with Tonks.
***
Day 49
My first frustration at my room.
Im slowly becoming an artist. An air of perfectionism shot me "dead" tonight and made me really frustrated. I wasnt that satisfied with the result. I'll tell you why.
Here's the current. Here, you'll see a huge huge black board with drawings. Also, you'll find a photo collage in the middle. The rest, well, its a mess. :)
Here's the revision. I dont like the color combination of yellow and the light blue. I should have used dark blue or red to complement the yellow. I was really frustrated about the design. One thing I love about the revision is the corner where I had put my "weirdology" books and some "out of this world" figurines. I need comments please :)
I'll be changing the blue into red. :)
Im slowly becoming an artist. An air of perfectionism shot me "dead" tonight and made me really frustrated. I wasnt that satisfied with the result. I'll tell you why.
Here's the current. Here, you'll see a huge huge black board with drawings. Also, you'll find a photo collage in the middle. The rest, well, its a mess. :)
Here's the revision. I dont like the color combination of yellow and the light blue. I should have used dark blue or red to complement the yellow. I was really frustrated about the design. One thing I love about the revision is the corner where I had put my "weirdology" books and some "out of this world" figurines. I need comments please :)
I'll be changing the blue into red. :)Day 48
Vesper. Probably a new word for some. But as for me, i knew it when I was a kid. Vesper, as per the WordWeb Dictionary, it is an evening worship service. That explains it all.
Me and my parents are certified "morning" worshipers. We attend church, 9 in the morning. We do not attend vesper services because we are really accustomed to the morning worship service. But for a change, we tried the vesper.
My realization: Worship is not limited to time (chronos). Whether morning, evening, afternoon...worshiping God will leave you "high". i guess the difference is just the color of the sky, but the experience will still be lifechanging...in the sense that you are given an opportunity to worship the King of kings.
***
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